From debate to dialogue at Christmas dinner
Interview Hedwig te Molder Professor of Language and Communication
The most beautiful time of the year is again upon us. However, not everyone will be looking forward to celebrating Christmas with family again. How do you discuss loaded subjects at a beautifully set table?
Our society is scientific: figures, statistics and scientific arguments are considered very important. People derive their credibility from that. But the scientific attitude – "I don't take anything for granted" – has also become widespread. And that regularly leads to difficult conversations.
"There is a difference between debate and dialogue," says Professor Hedwig te Molder. "With dialogue, you can heal a damaged relationship."
Defensive attitude
Te Molder illustrates this with her research on healthcare professionals who talk to parents about vaccination. "Whether or not parents have their child vaccinated, they always indicate that they do not simply accept something from the professional. They subtly make it clear that they had already made a decision prior to the consultation, or at least had already thought about it. Professionals take this as resistance and brace themselves. Then it is difficult to have a conversation; both assume a defensive position." That's how it goes in many discussions, e.g., about COVID, climate, nitrogen.
"A debate is an exchange of opinions and visions, while in a dialogue you share what is important to you."
Conversation about values
The point, says Te Molder, is that in our society we prefer to talk about facts rather than values. She calls that value shyness. "People have a hard time putting into words what they think is important because it sounds less credible." Which brings us to the difference between a dialogue and a debate. A debate is an exchange of opinions and visions, while in a dialogue you share what is important to you. Te Molder: "But usually that is also hidden from yourself. A parent who does not want to blindly follow the government or a professional because it seems naïve will not immediately put that on the table. That is also a task for the professional."
Listening
What practical tips does Te Molder have for turning a debate into a dialogue? "Your goal is for someone to feel heard, rather than accused. In our research, we used conversation analysis to see when conversation participants themselves perceive something as dialogue. This happens, for example, when someone actively goes against the course of the conversation and asks you to explain something that concerns you, while the subject is already closed. That person accepts the risk of conflict. But that is precisely what is so appreciated by the parties involved. Dialogue does not have to be complicated: it starts with listening. This applies both to families and to the government."
"The goal is not to convince, but to enter into a relationship with each other in which differences are possible."
It's not necessarily fun. "Dialogue sounds pleasant, but a conversation about values often evokes emotions. That’s uncomfortable and then a debate is no different from a dialogue." So then you still don't have a cosy Christmas dinner? "No, but if you make the effort to listen, you will achieve something. The goal is not to convince, but to enter into a relationship with each other in which differences are possible. And in that respect, the dialogue fits better with Christmas than debate."
Dialogue helps us address health issues
Professor Hedwig te Molder leads the Language and Communication research group at Vrije Universiteit Amsterdam. With the master’s in Dialogue, Health and Society, one of the specialisations of Communication and Information Sciences, she wants to stimulate the shift from debate to dialogue. Dialogue between people with different world views is essential in understanding and addressing health problems.
magazine for humanities alumni december 2022